Back on track ...

I've become addicted to chocolate. I can't even blame it on Halloween, this started MONTHS ago ... so, I've decided I have to do with chocolate and other sugar products what I did with alcohol. Cut it out of my life, cold turkey right now...

as of this morning, I'm going to do the program. Protein, veggies, limited good carbs.. and my protein supplements .. I HAVE to do this. I've gained more weight and I'm destroying everything I worked so hard for.

I've decided meal planning has GOT to happen. Throwing away food because it's rotting in the refrigerator has to stop. Eating out because I have nothing planned/defrosted has to stop. I'll be picking up a battery for my scale today .. I'll be weighing every morning and every night again...I'll be taking pictures once a week to follow 'visual progress' This isn't even about getting back into the boxes and boxes of clothes I have in storage, this is about fulfilling my commitment to me, my kids to be healthy and happy again and right now, I'm neither.

I've heard that people who journal have a better chance at losing the weight they want to lose, so, I'm going to journal .. my thoughts my feelings, what I eat and why and what if any exercise I do.

11/5/2008. Breakfast. 2 eggs, 1 garlic clove and 1/8th of a medium size onion. No cheese, no bread. I'm going to wait the full 30 minutes before having anything to drink.
Lunch: 1 Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich
Snack: 1/4 cup peanuts

Ever feel like your life is falling apart.

at a time that we're supposed to be happy ... things are falling apart.
I won't go into too much detail here yet .. but my husband has pulled away. He's placing the blame on things he doesn't like that I've done ... he says he's not controlling, that I can do/think/say what I want, however, when/if I do, he pulls a way and says 'it's what you've done'. yet when I try to fix it, he tells me he doesn't want me to do these things, and that he's not controlling me. He doesn't leave me ANY options at all. If I keep up my 'behavior' then he's ticked. If I stop then he's mad because I make it appear that he's controlling me.

kids .. and medication

it's been a tough week here. Friday I got a call from the school saying that R had threatened to shoot a little girl with her brothers' 24 gun and his bazooka.

I immediately called her pediatrician and asked to have her taken OFF vyvase. The side effects (aggression, violent behavior, etc) were getting worse. The pediatrician agreed and we put her back on concerta. She's a totally different girl on concerta..it's been a marvelous week since.

The school did a threat assessment .. determined her to be LOW risk (I knew that) .. and gave her 3 days of afterschool dentention instead of suspension (or expulsion).

I am so relieved that this turned out the way it did and that it's almost over.

Well, they say journaling is good for you.

I'm very frustrated. We bought a house in June. It was a forclosure .. it STILL looks like a foreclosure. My husband promised me that if we bought this house, that he would do the work (with me) that needed to be done. Since June we've gotten ONE of 3 bathrooms functional. We have up to 9 people using one bathroom ...

We've had the paint for that one bathroom since June. I can't get him to prep the walls for me so that I can get it painted.

Our master bath, in order to be functional (certainly not pretty at all) needs to be re-grouted and caulked. His excuse 1 month ago for not getting it done was that I wasn't well enough to help him. Well, THAT day, we did the first grouting. NOTHING has been done since then. Saturday I asked him to finish...he re-grouted ONE wall and then did nothing else.

We have a new mailbox, door knocker and kick plate that can be put on, nope hasn't done it.
We have new outlets, switches and plates for our bedroom that hasn't been put in. The girls closet needs a light, the girls closet needs another clothes bar..we HAVE all of these things, he just won't do it.

He has emptied ONE box .. that I gave him.

It's my job to do laundry (I quit doing his months ago, but we have 5 kids that need laundry done too). It's my job on most nights to cook. He NEVER does dishes. He's either asleep or playing on his laptop. Both vehicles need the oil changed. The durango's inspection sticker is dead and he won't figure out what's wrong with it. He has plans..but doesn't ever put those plans in motion.

I resent that the kids and I have to do all of the work in the house.
I resent that he feel NO sense of remorse that he does NOTHING.
I'm insulted that he seems to think this is MY job, while working full time, making more money than he does.

He'll ask if I'm mad. What is the point of telling him yes and then why? I've told him before, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

I don't know what to do.